Broad Stroke News

By Marlena Begley | January 13, 2025 Shoppers at malls across the country are finding themselves in an unexpected predicament as the previously harmless “mall globs” have seemingly gained sentience. The blobs of flesh-like material, originally installed as abstract art installations to “enhance consumer engagement,” are now displaying a range of startling behaviors — and tempers. From Harmless Art to Hostile Entities Mall globs were initially lauded for their unique design, with their irregular shapes, flesh-like textures, and peculiar appendages sparking curiosity and amusement. Some floated lazily through the air, while others perched on walls or nestled in corners. “They were supposed to be interactive,” explained mall art consultant Deborah Klein, “a fusion of modern art and cutting-edge tech, designed to ‘react’ subtly to shopper movements. Nothing like this was supposed to happen.” This past weekend, however, shoppers and mall employees began noticing changes. Several globs start...

By Kent Williams, Political Correspondent January 12, 2025 In an unprecedented and surreal farewell, President Joe Biden concluded his presidency by sitting in a massive bowl of cottage cheese in the Oval Office, joined by Senators Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz. The unusual scene played out late Sunday evening, with the three political figures dressed in identical white jumpsuits adorned with the presidential seal. The enormous bowl, constructed by White House staff over several days, reportedly held 400 gallons of cottage cheese sourced from Wisconsin dairy farms. “This is a moment of unity,” Biden said with a grin before stepping into the bowl. “Sometimes in America, we feel a little curdled, but when we come together, we’re one big, beautiful dish.” McConnell, who followed Biden into the bowl, maintained his usual composure. “While I can’t say this was on my bucket list, I appreciate the sentiment of unity—even if it’s unconventional,” he said. Senator Cruz, never one to m...

By Gregory Shoemaker, Fun News Correspondent | January 10, 2025 In what might be the  sauc iest food discovery of the decade, researchers at the National Culinary Research Institute (NCRI) have revealed a tantalizing truth: meat absolutely  loves  being slathered in barbecue sauce. Yes, you heard that right—your ribs and brisket aren’t just sitting there passively absorbing flavors. They’re having an experience. “We’ve long known that barbecue sauce enhances flavor, but this takes it to a whole new level,” said Dr. Paula Drizzle, head of the NCRI’s Taste Emotion Lab. “Through advanced flavor spectroscopy and, frankly, a little intuition, we’ve discovered that meat responds positively to barbecue sauce, almost as if it’s enjoying the process. We’re talking a full-on sensual sizzle.” The revelation came about when researchers noticed subtle chemical reactions in proteins during the marination process. When slathered with barbecue sauce, the meat fibers seemed to relax in a ...

By Charles Edison, Opinion Editor | January 9, 2025 We’ve been sold a lie. Trees, those tall, leafy pretenders, have deceived us for centuries into thinking they’re some kind of benevolent nature guardians. But in reality? Trees are nothing more than glorified wooden umbrellas that do  absolutely nothing  except take up space, drop needles, and pretend to be “essential” for oxygen. Trees are not your friends. They are  space hogs . The time has come to end this forest fantasy. What we need, what the Earth  craves , is a bold new vision: forests made entirely of hot dogs. Yes. Hot dogs. These tubular saviors of snack time will replace every last tree on Earth and create a future where meat grows on trees—and I’m not talking about the kind that just  sits there . No, I’m talking about a hot dog revolution that’ll make the  squirrels  tremble. Trees: Just Big, Green Liars We’ve let trees off the hook for too long. Every fall, they act like they’re doing u...

By Cheryl Montego January 9, 2025 In an unprecedented and shocking turn of events, media mogul and cultural icon Oprah Winfrey has seized control of her home state of Mississippi, declaring herself Supreme Leader and renaming the state “Oprahwinstan.” Under her authoritarian rule, the state’s residents are being sent to “enlightenment camps” where they are forced to read books chosen by Oprah and watch reruns of  The Oprah Winfrey Show  on an endless loop. The coup has plunged Mississippi into chaos, leaving its citizens terrified and the rest of the nation—and the world—reeling. “Enlightenment Camps” and the Reign of Fear Witnesses describe a swift and brutal takeover. Oprah, reportedly flanked by a private army of heavily armed security personnel, stormed the Mississippi State Capitol in Jackson and announced the state’s new name and governance structure. “From this day forward, Mississippi is no more,” Oprah declared during an impromptu televised address. “Welcome to Oprahw...