Opinion: Trees Are Lying to Us. The Only Future Is Hot Dog

By Charles Edison, Opinion Editor | January 9, 2025

We’ve been sold a lie. Trees, those tall, leafy pretenders, have deceived us for centuries into thinking they’re some kind of benevolent nature guardians. But in reality? Trees are nothing more than glorified wooden umbrellas that do absolutely nothing except take up space, drop needles, and pretend to be “essential” for oxygen. Trees are not your friends. They are space hogs.

The time has come to end this forest fantasy. What we need, what the Earth craves, is a bold new vision: forests made entirely of hot dogs. Yes. Hot dogs. These tubular saviors of snack time will replace every last tree on Earth and create a future where meat grows on trees—and I’m not talking about the kind that just sits there. No, I’m talking about a hot dog revolution that’ll make the squirrels tremble.

Trees: Just Big, Green Liars

We’ve let trees off the hook for too long. Every fall, they act like they’re doing us a favor by “shedding their leaves,” which, in reality, is just them having a tantrum. They drop them everywhere, forcing us to rake, blow, and cry about it. If I wanted to clean up after something, I’d get a pet raccoon, not a tree.

And oxygen? Oh, please. What’s oxygen even doing for me besides keeping me alive? If trees are so great, why don’t they come to my birthday party? Why don’t they do my taxes or buy me a coffee when I’m tired? No, they just stand there, looking smug, like they’ve solved world hunger. The nerve.

Hot Dogs: The ONLY Logical Solution

Hot dogs are the future. Hot dogs are everything trees could never be: flavorful, portable, and willing to actively participate in your life. Imagine a world where every forest is made of hot dogs. The air would be thick with the aroma of sizzling sausages. Instead of birds, we’d have tiny bratwurst hummingbirds, fluttering around, delivering ketchup and mustard with precision.

Instead of hiking through a boring forest, imagine skipping through a meadow of hot dogs, their golden-brown skins gently roasting in the sunlight. The smell? A sweet, savory fragrance of victory, wafting through the breeze. A hot dog tree would bear fruits in the form of perfectly grilled hot dogs, which could be plucked from the branches like divine meat orbs. How is that not superior?

Hot Dog Forests = Instant World Peace

Imagine what this could do for the planet. Trees are fine at storing CO2, but have you tasted a hot dog? That’s the real solution. Hot dogs could absorb all the carbon while emitting pure joy. They would reduce global warming by emitting meat-based happiness into the atmosphere, neutralizing the climate with every juicy bite. Trees? They’re just waiting for the next forest fire to show up.

And don’t even start with the argument that hot dogs can’t photosynthesize. Of course they can’t! Why would they need to? Photosynthesis is so last century. Hot dogs don’t need sunlight. They just need love. Maybe a touch of barbecue sauce, but mostly love.

The Hot Dog Forest System: A Better Way to Live

Think of the infrastructure! Imagine hot dog skyscrapers, made from 100% meat-based materials, with ketchup rivers flowing through the streets. No more expensive lumber—just low-cost, high-flavor sausage construction. Every city would have its own hot dog district, and each person would have a hot dog tree in their backyard. Want to have a picnic? Just step outside and pluck a hot dog off your tree. Want shade? Find a hot dog trunk with built-in mustard dispensers and take a seat.

And forget about deforestation. Hot dogs don’t need soil. They don’t need water. They grow on pure imagination and meat juices. If a hot dog tree falls in the forest and nobody’s around to hear it, you still get a free lunch.

The Meat-based Future We Deserve

Look, I know there will be skeptics. They’ll say, “But what about biodiversity?” I’ll tell you what about it: Hot dogs are the ultimate in biodiversity. What’s more diverse than a hot dog forest? You’ve got the classic beef dog, the spicy sausage, the vegan alternative, and the legendary footlong. The possibilities are endless.

So let’s stop pretending trees are essential. Let’s embrace the future of hot dog-based forestry, where every breath you take is filled with the scent of sizzling pork and beef, where every step you make leaves you one hot dog closer to true happiness.

In the end, hot dogs are everything trees never were: dynamic, delicious, and always ready for a barbecue. The question isn’t whether we should replace trees with hot dogs—it’s why we haven’t already.

Charles Edison is the Opinion Editor for The Future Times. He enjoys discussing the future of forests, contemplating alternative ecosystems, and occasionally wearing hot dog costumes in public.