BREAKING NEWS: The Mall Globs Have Gained Sentience

By Marlena Begley | January 13, 2025

Shoppers at malls across the country are finding themselves in an unexpected predicament as the previously harmless “mall globs” have seemingly gained sentience. The blobs of flesh-like material, originally installed as abstract art installations to “enhance consumer engagement,” are now displaying a range of startling behaviors — and tempers.

From Harmless Art to Hostile Entities

Mall globs were initially lauded for their unique design, with their irregular shapes, flesh-like textures, and peculiar appendages sparking curiosity and amusement. Some floated lazily through the air, while others perched on walls or nestled in corners. “They were supposed to be interactive,” explained mall art consultant Deborah Klein, “a fusion of modern art and cutting-edge tech, designed to ‘react’ subtly to shopper movements. Nothing like this was supposed to happen.”

This past weekend, however, shoppers and mall employees began noticing changes. Several globs started blinking — some with a single eye, others with clusters of them. A few began making noises, from guttural murmurs to full sentences. One glob at the Willow Creek Mall in Cincinnati reportedly shouted, “DON’T TOUCH ME!” when a child poked it. Another glob at the Metroplex Plaza in Dallas began vibrating ominously near the food court, causing patrons to flee in terror.

A Range of Forms, A Spectrum of Moods

Witnesses report the globs vary dramatically in appearance and demeanor. Some remain passive, emitting faint glows or soft hums, while others actively follow shoppers, issuing cryptic warnings or making unsettling gestures.

“There’s one near the escalators that just stares,” said Ashley Vega, an employee at Sunshine Mall in Phoenix. “It’s got, like, six glowing eyes, and every time I walk by, it whispers, ‘I’m watching you.’ I’m on edge all shift!”

At Westside Galleria in Chicago, a glob reportedly slapped a man who attempted to move it. “It had these tiny arms, and it just lashed out!” said the victim, 34-year-old Kevin Pierce. “I was just trying to clear the walkway!”

Scientific and Ethical Questions Arise

Experts are scrambling to understand the phenomenon. “We suspect some form of artificial intelligence within the globs has evolved unexpectedly,” said Dr. Priya Banerjee, a leading AI researcher. “Whether this was due to a programming error, external interference, or something entirely unforeseen, we can’t yet say.”

Ethical concerns have also emerged. If the globs are truly sentient, should they be considered beings with rights? And what are the implications for the humans sharing space with them?

Meanwhile, calls to remove the installations are growing. “These things are a menace,” declared Brad Tyler, a mall security officer in New York City. “We can’t keep the peace when the globs are out here scaring customers and shouting obscenities.”

Authorities Urge Caution

Local governments and mall operators are working together to address the crisis. Until more is known, officials are advising the public to avoid direct interaction with the globs.

In a statement this morning, the National Mall Association assured shoppers they are “actively working to resolve the situation” but urged calm. “While the behavior of the mall globs is concerning, there is no indication they pose a significant danger at this time,” the statement read.

For now, however, shoppers are learning to navigate a new reality — one in which every escalator ride or food court visit may be interrupted by an easily aggravated blob of sentient flesh.

“We just wanted to buy sneakers,” said one shaken patron. “Now we’re worried about getting yelled at by a floating meatball.”

Stay tuned as this story develops. If you’ve had a run-in with a mall glob, share your story at mbegley@mallreporter.com.