Broad Stroke News

By Kent Williams | February 19, 2025 Washington, D.C. — In a bizarre turn of events, former President Joe Biden was briefly detained by law enforcement yesterday after being mistaken for a homeless man panhandling near Union Station. The 82-year-old Biden, who served as the 46th President of the United States, was reportedly engaging with passersby when police were called to investigate a report of a man soliciting money and claiming to be the president. Witnesses at the scene described a disheveled figure wearing casual clothing and interacting animatedly with pedestrians. “He was saying he used to live in the White House,” said Marcy Jenkins, a local commuter. “At first, I thought it was just someone joking around, but then I realized he really believed it.” According to police reports, officers approached Biden and questioned him about his actions. When he insisted that he was Joe Biden, the former president, the officers initially believed it to be a fabrication. However, as the in...

By Kent Williams, Political Correspondent February 18, 2025 In a move that stunned political commentators and angered leaders on both sides of the aisle, former President Donald Trump referred to the state of California as “Liberal Asshole Land” during a rally in Des Moines, Iowa, on Monday night. The remark, intended as a jab at what he called California’s “radical policies and woke nonsense,” sparked an immediate and widespread backlash. Kamala Harris: ‘Disrespectful and beneath any leader’ Former Vice President Kamala Harris, a native of Oakland, California, delivered a scathing response during a press conference in Los Angeles. “This is not just an insult to California; it’s an insult to the millions of hardworking people who call this state home,” Harris said. “We may disagree on policy, but to stoop to name-calling is disrespectful and beneath any leader who aspires to represent this great nation.” Joe Biden: ‘I’d rather focus on ice cream’ Former President Joe Biden, speaking at...

By Andrzej Drabiniok | Geopolitical Editor | February 19, 2025 Russian President Vladimir Putin, long known for his stoic demeanor and calculated decision-making, has found himself uncharacteristically shaken in the wake of the Lois Griffin paternity revelation. After DNA tests confirmed that King Charles III, and not Putin, is the father of Lois’s newborn son, Charles Peter Griffin, sources close to the Kremlin reveal that the Russian leader has taken the news “harder than expected.” This emotional upheaval, experts suggest, may have contributed to a sudden and severe escalation in Russia’s military campaign in Ukraine. A Bruised Ego on the World Stage While the initial results were accepted by Putin with a diplomatic public statement, insiders report that the Russian leader privately expressed feelings of humiliation and loss. “This was not just about paternity; it was a symbolic blow to his image as a dominant figure on the global stage,” said a former Kremlin aide, who requested an...

By Kelly Robbins, Cultural Correspondent February 15, 2025 Once a vibrant Southern city, Jackson, Mississippi—now renamed Oprahville by its self-declared dictator Oprah Winfrey—has become a shadow of its former self. In the weeks since Oprah’s hostile takeover of her home state, the city has deteriorated into a nightmarish dystopia marked by fear, decay, and relentless propaganda. Residents now live under the oppressive gaze of Oprah, whose face is plastered on every available surface. From billboards to government buildings, even stop signs bear her iconic smile, reminding citizens that she is always watching. A City Covered in Oprah’s Image Driving through Oprahville feels like entering a surreal alternate reality. Her face looms from every corner, her eyes seemingly following you wherever you go. Entire city blocks are lined with murals depicting Oprah in various poses: Oprah holding a book, Oprah giving away a car, Oprah pointing sternly as if to say, “Don’t even think about rebell...

By Kent Williams, Political Correspondent February 11, 2025 In a sweeping executive order signed late last night, President Donald J. Trump has mandated the forced internment of all adult male fans of  My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic —commonly known as “bronies”—in what the administration is calling “Brony Re-Education Camps.” The move, unprecedented in modern American history, has sparked fierce debate but has also received surprising bipartisan support. The executive order, titled the  National Masculinity Restoration Act , directs federal agencies to identify and detain self-identified bronies, whom the White House has labeled as “a subversive and degenerate threat to American values.” The Department of Homeland Security has already begun operations to round up individuals fitting the criteria, with reports of large-scale raids in urban centers such as Portland, Seattle, and San Francisco. Praise from Across the Aisle Despite initial concerns that the move would be met ...

By Kent Williams February 6, 2025 In a twist that seems ripped from the pages of a political satire, the nation faces an unprecedented dilemma: the emergence of not one, but two Mitch McConnells. While the exact circumstances remain shrouded in mystery—be it a cloning experiment gone awry or a bizarre act of nature—the implications are as clear as they are unsettling. DOUBLE THE TURTLE, DOUBLE THE TROUBLE For decades, Americans have watched as Senator Mitch McConnell mastered the art of political obstructionism, turning legislative gridlock into a high form of performance art. His tenure has been marked by a steadfast commitment to ensuring that progress moves at a pace that makes a snail look like a sprinter. Now, with a second McConnell in the mix, the prospect of governmental inertia has reached new, terrifying heights. Reports from Capitol Hill indicate that the original McConnell and his doppelgänger have already begun a filibuster against each other, creating an endless loop of p...

By Frederick Prentiss | Entertainment Writer | February 1, 2025 The maternity mystery that captivated the globe has finally been resolved. Lois Griffin, the animated matriarch of  Family Guy , gave birth to a healthy baby boy on January 21, 2025. After weeks of speculation and headlines, a DNA test has confirmed that King Charles III is the father of Lois’s child. The Royal Reveal The announcement came via a joint statement issued by Buckingham Palace and Lois Griffin’s publicist. “His Majesty King Charles III is delighted to confirm the paternity of Lois Griffin’s newborn son,” the statement read. “Both mother and child are in good health, and His Majesty is committed to supporting the child’s future with all the dignity and care befitting such a unique circumstance.” Lois, speaking to  Celebrity Insights Weekly  shortly after the birth, described her son as “a little bundle of royal mischief” and revealed his name: Charles Peter Griffin. The name, she explained, honors ...