House Speaker Mike Johnson Breaks into Home, Cooks Excessive Amounts of Spaghetti

By Kent Williams, Political Correspondent

January 15, 2025

In a puzzling and oddly domestic incident, House Speaker Mike Johnson shocked a suburban Arlington, Virginia neighborhood early this morning by breaking into a family’s home and cooking an excessive amount of plain spaghetti noodles—all while dressed in a casual gray polo shirt.

The Patterson family awoke to the sound of pots clanging in their kitchen. Upon investigation, they found Johnson at their stove, boiling box after box of spaghetti. His attire—a modest gray polo shirt and khaki pants—only added to the confusion.

“At first, I thought he was some maintenance guy who got lost,” said Helen Patterson, the homeowner. “But then I realized it was the Mike Johnson. And he wasn’t fixing anything. He was just cooking… endless spaghetti. Plain, unseasoned spaghetti.”

For hours, Johnson silently and methodically prepared plain noodles, ignoring the family’s pleas for an explanation or even a pause. The kitchen soon overflowed with spaghetti. It filled pots, bowls, and trays and spilled onto the counters, the floor, and even a few cabinets.

“We kept asking him, ‘Why are you doing this?’” said James Patterson, Helen’s husband. “And all he said was, ‘The noodle is life.’ He looked so serious. It was unsettling.”

Neighbors gathered outside the Patterson home as word spread about the Speaker of the House’s culinary takeover. Some peeked through windows, where they could see Johnson, his gray polo shirt now flecked with droplets of boiling water, calmly draining another batch of spaghetti.

When law enforcement arrived, they found Johnson surrounded by what one officer described as “a sea of noodles.” Despite his unusual behavior, Johnson was cooperative, though he reportedly refused to stop cooking until the final box of spaghetti was used.

“He told us he wasn’t leaving until the mission was complete,” said Officer Dana Morris. “We eventually had to physically remove the last box of spaghetti from his hands. He didn’t resist, but he looked disappointed.”

In a statement issued later in the day, Johnson’s office said, “The Speaker’s actions were an expression of his dedication to foundational principles. Much like governance, cooking starts with the basics: the humble noodle.”

The incident has drawn mixed reactions. Some have questioned Johnson’s mental state, while others have praised his commitment to simplicity.

“It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,” said a neighbor who witnessed the event. “But the man knows how to cook noodles perfectly. No sticking, no overcooking. Just plain, flawless spaghetti.”

The Pattersons, meanwhile, are left cleaning up the mess and trying to understand what happened.

“Who wears a polo shirt to break into a house and make spaghetti?” Helen Patterson asked. “This has to be some kind of performance art. I just hope it doesn’t happen again.”

As of this afternoon, Johnson has returned to Capitol Hill, where he is expected to face further questions about his culinary crusade.